I thought it might be fun to see if I could condense my favorite novels into 5 minute plays. (My summer tutor at Oxford would be HORRIFIED by that-- so don't tell her :)
Here's Northanger Abbey, for your enjoyment, as performed by my friends at my birthday party recently:
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NARRATOR: No one who had ever seen Catherine Morland in her
infancy would have supposed her born to be an heroine.
CATHERINE: I’m so happy! I have a mother and father who love
me and I’m one of 10 children with heads and arms and legs enough for the
number.
MRS MORLAND: Catherine has always been very plain and quite
a tomboy, but now that she’s 15 she looks almost pretty!
CATHERINE: Thanks mom!
But there are no tall dark strangers in Leesburg. How am I to be a
heroine?
MRS ALLEN: Catherine, Mr Allen and I want you to come with
us to Washington, DC. Let’s buy some new clothes.
CATHERINE: Oh how lovely! Everything works out so well for
me!
NARRATOR: Mrs Allen was a woman whose presence made you
wonder how on earth she managed to marry a man of sense.
MRS ALLEN: I wish we knew people in town! But don’t you love
my new dress? Or this necklace, isn’t it perfect? What a pity we don’t know
anyone at this party, it’s awkward.
CATHERINE: No kidding.
HOST OF PARTY: Catherine, let me introduce Henry and his
sister Eleanor.
CATHERINE: Nice to meet you both.
(Eleanor excuses herself)
HENRY: I must ask the standard questions. Have you been long
in DC?
CATHERINE: Just a couple of days.
HENRY: And how do you like it?
CATHERINE: Fine.
HENRY: What will you write about me in your diary tonight?
CATHERINE: I don’t keep a diary.
MRS THORPE: Is that you, Janet? Do you remember me? We went to elementary school together.
MRS ALLEN: Goodness yes! Hello! Let’s be friends!
MRS THORPE: This is my daughter Isabella- she and Catherine
should be friends!
ISABELLA: Do you like Gothic romance novels with horrible
scenes in them?
CATHERINE: YES
ISABELLA: Me too! Best Friends Forever! (Linking arms and walking away) Do you
have a crush?
CATHERINE: Well…. Henry Tilney is really nice.
ISABELLA: Oh you sly thing! I bet you’re dreaming about him
every night.
CATHERINE: no…
ISABELLA: Well anyway there are two guys over there—don’t
look!—they have been following me for this whole party. Are they still looking?
CATHERINE: no… they appear to be talking about cars. Now
they’re going toward the door.
ISABELLA: That’s just a cover up. Hey, let’s go outside for
some fresh air.
CATHERINE: But then aren’t we following them?...
(ISABELLA drags CATHERINE out)
CATHERINE & ISABELLA: Oh look, my brother!
Both laugh but CATHERINE is confused.
ISABELLA: Yes I’ve met your brother. He’s fun. Don’t you go
saying we’re going to get married or something like that.
JOHN THORPE: Hey sis. Who’s your friend?
ISABELLA: This is Catherine—James’s sister!
JOHN: Jolly good- let’s hang out. I’ll show you my car; it’s
awesome and I built the engine.
(JOHN puts his arm around CATHERINE)
CATHERINE: Um…
(She gets out from under his arm)
ISABELLA, JOHN & JAMES: Road trip!!!
CATHERINE: Oh, but, um, I told Eleanor and Henry I’d go on a
walk with them on the Mall. It’s
the kite festival today.
ISABELLA: (pouting)
if you don’t go, then I won’t go.
JAMES: But you must! I always thought you were a nice
sister….
JOHN : I’m only going so that you can see my awesome ride.
Besides, I saw Henry and his sister in Adams Morgan just now. They must have
forgotten about you.
CATHERINE: Well, it is raining and they are a little late,
so maybe they decided not to go anyway…
JOHN: Good that’s settled. Let’s go!
(Driving by- they drive past HENRY & ELEANOR)
CATHERINE: Stop the car! You jerk!
JOHN: hahahahahahahahahahaha. Mr Allen is rich, eh?
CATHERINE: Um, yeah, I guess so…
JAMES AND ISABELLA: We’re engaged!!!
MRS THORPE: Yay a rich
son-in-law!
JAMES: Huh?
(Another party scene)
TILNEY: Who’s that talking to my son?
JOHN: That’s Catherine Morland. She’s gonna inherit a ton
from the Allens and I plan on marrying her.
TILNEY: Hm.
(Going over to HENRY) Why don’t you invite your friend to come visit us at
the embassy?
HENRY: Okay… Catherine, want to come stay at the embassy for
a few days?
CATHERINE: Sure!
Who’s that guy talking to Isabella?
ELEANOR: That’s our brother Fred.
CATHERINE: He really should watch out because she’s engaged
to my brother.
HENRY: She’s not really discouraging him.
CATHERINE: Ew. I don’t think I like her anymore.
CATHERINE: Your dad is pretty intense.
HENRY: I know. I hope he doesn’t scare you. He’ll give you a tour of the embassy
and the gardens. You have to be on
time for dinner or he gets mad.
CATHERINE: Okay. Did he kill your mom?
HENRY: Are you insane? I can’t
believe you just said that.
CATHERINE: I just got a text
from James. The wedding is off.
HENRY: Who’s surprised?
CATHERINE: But your brother and
Isabella are going to get married instead.
HENRY: Doubtful.
NARRATOR: Imbecility in females
is a great enhancement of their personal charms.
CATHERINE: It’s been a week, do you think I should leave?
ELEANOR: Aren’t you having fun?
CATHERINE: Oh yes but I don’t
want to be a burden.
ELEANOR: You’re not a burden!
Was that an email from Isabella?
CATHERINE: Yeah she thinks I’m
stupid, because your brother dumped her and now she wants my brother back. No
way.
Nighttime—furious knocking
CATHERINE: Who’s there?
ELEANOR: It’s me. I have bad news. Dad’s kicking you out of
the house and putting you on a Greyhound bus at 5 am.
CATHERINE: What did I do?
ELEANOR: I don’t know. Here’s
some money…
Back in Leesburg
MRS MORLAND: What happened? Did you take the bus all by
yourself?
CATHERINE: Yes. I’m not a child. Mr. Tilney sent me away.
MRS MORLAND: What a jerk.
(knocking at door)
HENRY: I came to make sure you were okay and to apologize
for my dad.
MRS MORLAND: Oh look, something I have to do in the other
room… (leaving)
CATHERINE: Did you tell your dad that I thought he was a
murderer?
HENRY: No! He just found out you weren’t rich, and that was
why he was being nice to you in the first place.
CATHERINE: Oh. What a jerk.
HENRY: Will you marry me anyway?
CATHERINE: Of course!
NARRATOR: To begin perfect happiness at the respective ages
of twenty- six and eighteen is to do pretty well.
THE END
Here are some of the good sports reading:
